So there you are, married for ten years, two kids, and sex is a distant memory. You assume she’s not interested in you. She assumes you’re having an affair. You don’t have sex and no one talks about it anymore. Oh, you used to fight about it. Now you’ve both either a. given up b. are so angry you can’t imagine having sex c.you just generally hate your partner.
Oh, what did I leave out. Hmmmmm. That the two of you never sat down and talked about what has been going on that created the situation where you’re not having sex anymore. And guess what? It’s not about sex.
It’s about she yells at you, criticizes you, and generally nags you until the last thing you want is to see her naked and criticizing you. It’s about you haven’t complimented her, taken her out without the kids, told her she’s sexy (unless you’re grinding into her). It’s about neither one of you having the courage to invite the other to sit down and talk about what’s really going on. It’s about neither one of you being able to sit down and talk with each other without put downs, defensiveness, accusations and then…oh well no sex tonight.
Your sex life goes away because neither one of you acts loving or mindful of the other. Each one of you has signed up for the “Every Man For Himself” script and each one of you thinks the other is to blame.
You’re both sensitive, caring people (yes ladies, men are sensitive) and you both feel hurt and neither one of you wants to be the first to break the ice. It’s called being as stubborn as a mule.
Here’s the fix:
- Spend time talking with each other when the kids aren’t in the room and don’t be harsh or critical, be kind, even if your partner is harsh and critical. Somebody has to start being nice.
- Be honest without blaming. Speak in “I” sentences. For instance, “When you don’t help with the kids when you get home I feel like you don’t love me anymore.” or “I” would like to do things just with you once in awhile, laugh and have fun like we used to but “I” haven’t been able to figure out how to help you feel comfortable with a babysitter coming in.
- Spend time exploring each others bodies without an expectation of sex. Begin to remember how nice being close feels. And really, no sex. This is a common exercise for couple who go to marriage counseling. Take twenty minutes and just touch each other.
- Remember you’re temporary, both of you. and every day you waste being cold, angry, or withdrawn, is a day you lose in your life.That may not seem like much kiddies but in the blink of an eye you will be old looking at the last leg of your journey and looking back at where you’ve been and wondering why you wasted all that time being angry, defensive, or blaming someone else for why your perfect world is no longer perfect.